This poem is something from my past. My sister kept a copy. She recently scanned it and sent it to me.

My mum is an avid quilter. One sister is a sewer and a knitter. The other does needlepoint and cross-stitches. Needle-less to say–I still twiddle my hair.

I’m inventing new expressions to add some technicolour to my everyday life. I think I will take submissions for this blogg entry. That would be funny. Here are a few that immediately come to mind.

• Korky Flapper (noun): A Korky flapper is actually the wee flappy bit inside the toilet tank that is connected to the flush handle that lets the water into the toilet to flush away all the nastiness.

  However, because it’s fun to say, you could use Korky flapper as an adjective. If, for example, it had been raining for days on end, but cleared up near the end of the week. If the skies became incredibly blue and the hills became incredibly green and the air became incredibly fresh, you could exclaim: What a Korky flapper of a day!

  Korky flapper could also be a light insult. For example, if your friend was whining about small things in life, you could say: Don’t be such a Korky flapper.

  Or, if your friend was babbling away about nothing in particular, you could also say: You are just being a Korky flapper.

• Qwing™ (noun). The person in charge of Planet Stupid. If you were crossing the street in Healdsburg ten feet from the corner and somebody in their car shouted at you for jay-walking. And they must have been having an awfully bad day, because they didn’t just shout at you, they shouted: Hey, what planet are you from? ….Planet Stupid?

  And if later that day, you were just laughing at the nonsense of it all: Planet Stupid! And you were imagining that if there were actually inhabitants of Planet Stupid, it would be good to be the one in charge. If you were in charge, your title could be: Qwing, of Planet Stupid.

  Now, you can just use Qwing to talk about stupid people.

• Monkey Butter™ (noun): Etymology: from an Iranian saying, “Like a monkey shoving butter up his butt”. …unfinished…See the April entry for monkey butter.

My friend and neighbour Paul Brasset has been a winemaker in Sonoma County for over thirty years. Over those thirty years, he has won the Sonoma County Sweepstakes award for his Chardonnay (more than once). He has recently started selling wines from his own cellars, but has started with only Syrah and Zinfandel. I asked him why he doesn’t sell a Chardonnay?

According to Paul, Chardonnay takes more. It takes more to grow the grapes. It takes more to harvest the grapes correctly. It takes more to process the grapes and create the wine. Chardonnay takes more energy. Chardonnay takes more refrigeration. Chardonnay takes more attention. It simply takes more to create a good Chardonnay. His Chardonnay leaves a clean, fresh, crisp palette. Unlike the robust, meaty, lingering palette of a Zinfandel, it takes more to be less.

When I heard this explanation, I decided that I was going to be Chardonnay. I was going to do more. I was going to be more. I was going to ask more (of myself and of other people). I was going to be a good Chardonnay. Clean. Crisp. Now.

When I tried this theory out on a few people, one person mentioned in an email:

>”…I wish you all the best with your quest to become
> chardonnay. When all you drink is fine wine it may
> seem as common as tapwater. Some prefer water to
> kool-aid. Some crave pure glacier water much more
> than kool-aid, or the finest of wines, chardonnay and
> champagne included…”

So, then I started thinking about my experiences with glaciers and glacier water. Now, I’ve been thinking I might aspire to be glacier water instead of Chardonnay. Here is what I think when I think about glacier water (based on specific visuals of the Dyea River, Skagway Alaska, the Yukon River and the Kluane River, Yukon Territory): Pure. Natural. Rich in minerals and nutrients (substantial but crystal clear). Earthy. Honest. Firm but fluid. Flexible. Travelling. Moving. Independent. Enduring. Essential. Real.

I tried my glacial water theory out on a few people. Yet another person considered that, effectively, I should be Chardonnay made from glacier water. Maybe I’ll open a winery in the Yukon…

My wit and love of everything literay are wasted on binary people!!!! Someone thought I actually wrote this–well, I wrote a bit of it. Mostly, I was incredibly surprised that he didn’t know where it came from. Maybe I just have too high of expectations. Maybe it’s a cultural thing.

My new colleague and friend, Peugeot Hugo, is from Britain. This blogg entry is dedicated to being British.

• London Underground. For commuters everywhere.
• Pick a spice. If you were a Spice Girl, who would you be?
• www.jcb.com. A multinational family-owned company that shares my initials.
• More from the Friday Project. Caution: contains some very rude words.

Here are some British words that most people should know:

• wanker (noun): Technically, someone who enjoys getting off with only themselves present. It’s a good insult. For example, if your colleague says something totally inappropriate, you could say: Don’t be such a wanker!
• rubber (noun): An eraser. OR each hand in a game of cards is also called a rubber.
• bollocks (expletive): Technically, bollocks means balls. However, there are multiple uses. You can use it when you would normally say: No way! or Bullshit! As in: What a load of bollocks! You can also use it when you would normally exclaim: Damn! or Oh shit! As in: If you spilled coffee over your presentation for the boss, you would exclaim: Bollocks!
• ass hat (noun): From the popular insult “to have your head up your ass”.

Here are some new words and phrases that have recently come into my vocabulary. I went snowboarding one weekend in February with my friends and neighbours: Carol and Jimmy. These new words are from Bob, Carol’s father.

• lubo (noun): Pronounced lube-oh. To be a stupid, silly fool. For example, you might be driving along the 101 in North Santa Rosa, and you might look up into your rear view mirror. If you did look into the rear view mirror, you could notice a purple Dodge zooming up behind you really fast and another car zooming up behind you in the fast lane. The lubo is the driver of the purple Dodge who passes you on the shoulder.
• shriv (noun): To be a stupid, silly, shriveled up old curmudgeon.
• Hoy! Waiting! (expression): If you lived in Pittsburgh 30-odd years ago and there were a Chinese restraunt where you liked to order take out and whenever you went to pick up your take out, you would ding the desk bell and shout: “Hoy! Waiting!” As in: Hoy (the owner), I’m out here waiting!. Now, you just use it when you are waiting on people and you just want to let them know you are waiting for them.

Memorable quotes from our ski weekend:

• Hey! Look at the dog smokin’ a stogie!!- Matt (Carol’s 13-year-old son). There was actually a dog (a black lab) coming down the stairs from one of the main buildings that had something stogie-like hanging out of his mouth. I wish I had a picture!
• skootch your bootch (expression): Move over. Move your butt.
• No can do Mum! I’m in short-pants mode: Matt, age 7. When asked if he thought he might be too cold with shorts on and wouldn’t he be more comfortable if he changed into long pants?

Variations on lubo (from 22 May 2005):

• Ms. Lubo (noun): A female lubo.
• Lubette (noun): A young, female lubo. Could also be the back-up singers in a band…
• Lub-in-ator (noun): Pronounced lube-in-a-tor. A lubo on steroids.