After many conversations and shared moments, and a few evenings of phone calls where I have tried to gather up courage to ask, I finally just say: “Hey. I have a question.” My heart rate sky rockets, but I try to be casual. And I ask: “Umm…., well, what do you want?”
And in a smaller voice, I look down. I look away. I look anywhere else but at the person I’m talking to: “More specifically, I guess my question is: What do you want with me?”
Later, I thought, “WHAT WAS I THINKING?” And I reprehend myself because I’m accommodating again. I always try and find out what’s going on and figure out how I fit in. Accommodate. Accommodate. Accommodate.
I’m kinda tired of trying to fit in. I don’t. OBVIOUSLY. And in order to take control of my life, I think a way better question would be: “What do I want?” and “What do I want with me?”
After some consideration (and a prompt from somebody else entirely) I thought I might just put it out there on my blog. What have I got to lose?
Basically though (deep breath)….here is what I came up with tonight:
I want to share my life. I want to share my body. I want to create memories, and a home–with friends, and family, and community.
I want to laugh.
I want to grow, to challenge, to discover. Intellectually. Emotionally. Physically. I want a counterpart. A partner. I want someone who challenges me and makes me think. And helps me grow. I want to encourage. To be encouraged.
I want to become a better person.
I want to make healthy decisions: physically, emotionally, financially.
I want to travel. I want to experience new places. I want to discover new music, and culture, and textures, and flavours.
I want to take care of my parents.
I want romance. I want kissing for hours.
I want intimacy.
I want to love and to be loved.
I want babies and dogs and careers and gardens.
I want to cook dinners together.
I want to feel beautiful. And smart. And sexy (my four favourite adjectives: sassy, classy, smart, and sexy). I want to be a best friend, a girlfriend, a wife, a lover, a mother.
I want a life.
I want him (whoever he may be) to choose me (over anybody else, over a job, over his parents). I want us to create our own circle of trust and build a life together.
I don’t want to be a second choice.
I don’t want to be a side dish.
I don’t want to be filler.
I won’t settle for anything less.
I’m 37 in February. I’m too old to wait for things to happen. If I don’t take control of my life, I don’t think I’ll ever have what I want.