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Whenever Minutes

18 July 2006 By Leave a Comment

When is it OK to sit on a toilet and use your cell phone? NEVER! That’s why they should be called When NEVER minutes. Not whenever minutes.

Here is an excerpt from and email I received today. I can’t believe this sort of thing happens. I mean, people in California barely even smoke for Christ’s sake, but they do this????

Yuck.

~~~~~~~~~~
>Jen,
>
>Something that happened today…
>
>I was in the [men's] bathroom washing my hands. I could hear someone
>talking. Someone was in a stall talking on their cell phone! Just as I tuned
>into the conversation, I heard:
>
>I can’t…
>
>Not now…
>
>I just CAN’T…
>
>BECAUSE I’M TAKING A SHIT…
>
>some more talking
>
>Hang on, I need to use both hands…
>
>Ewwwwwww. I guess he was using his “whenever minutes”. I can’t believe
>people do that. Maybe the phone companies should use this example to
>advertise their Bluetooth headsets!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who do you think he was talking to? A colleague? Was he making a sale? Maybe he was talking to his wife or mother or something. Just so you know. It is never OK to go to the bathroom, sit on a toilet, and talk to me. I never want to be in one hand while your other is wiping your butt. NEVER.

Do you think that people need a reminder as you walk into the public bathrooms: For the consideration of others, please turn off your cell phones. Maybe all that’s missing is that polite reminder. Yuck. I still think it’s disgusting.

Filed Under: All About My Butt, Bits and Bytes

How Girls Can Pee in the Woods and Keep Their Dignity

25 November 2005 By 3 Comments

Chantel is my niece. She’s staying home from school today so we can have a day together. Bonding. I love it. She’s a great kid. She came over the Chilkoot Trail with us in the summer. She really impressed me. How many 11-year old girls do you know who can kick butt over 3700 feet?

When she asked to come over the Pass, she kept telling us she could do it. Besides, she would get to bond with her two Aunties. She’s never really had the chance to spend quality time with us.

I told her the trail would be hard. She would get hungry and her feet would be sore–not to mention the state of her shoulders from carrying a backpack. I told her she could come if the only thing she ever said was: I’m having fun Auntie. If she were sore, or grumpy, or hungry, anything else, she would have to say those words with a forced smile and through clenched teeth.

The first day on the trail we were all staying hydrated and drinking lots of water. At one point in time, Chantel says she needs to go to the bathroom. I stop to pull out some bog roll. Redd and Jim keep going. Chantel goes into the woods. After a brief moment, she comes out again. I thought: Wow. That was fast.

Not! She says: Can you help me Auntie? I don’t know how to pee in the woods. Mum usually holds my hands so I can squat. I thought….Hmmmm. Time for you to learn how to pee in the woods Chantel. So I go into the woods with her. She wanted to bond! What better way to bond than to teach her to stand (pee?) on her own two feet?

Here is the real story for today: How Girls Can Pee in the Woods and Keep Their Dignity

Find an appropriate spot. Off the trail is good. 100 feet from running water is also good. The spot should be secluded enough to give you privacy (like your own personal bathroom, without any walls).

Loosen your pants (I’m going to assume you are wearing pants) and start pulling your clothing paraphenalia down over your hips.

At the same time, squat. Bend your knees and stick your butt way out. Lean forward and rest your elbows on your knees.

By now, your pants and paraphenalia should be around your knees. DO NOT PULL THEM DOWN TO YOUR ANKLES. KEEP THEM AT YOUR KNEES.

Now. Feet apart. As wide as you can, remember, your pants are around your knees–not your ankles–and your butt is way out and you are leaning forward resting your elbows on your knees.

Finally, release the pee. Hopefully, the pee is directed at the ground and NOT at your pants or your shoes or anything else you have to wear.

That’s it. That’s the secret. Butt out as far as you can. Lean forward. It’s not really a dignified position, but I am not aware of a dignified position while trying to pee (especially in the woods!). Keep your dignity by not getting yourself (or your pants, boots, socks) wet.

Filed Under: All About My Butt, Life in the Yukon

My life-saving butt

7 September 2005 By 5 Comments

The other day, I opened a magazine and found myself staring at the words: My Butt is Big. Not the normal words you would find in a fitness magazine. It turns out that this ad is part of the Nike real woman ad campaign. I love it. I went to nikewomen.nike.com to find out more. If you click on the words: “What story does your body tell?” (top right-hand corner of the screen, under the search field) you get little video snippets of women’s stories about their body parts. I thought: Hey, I have a story about my butt.

I used to hate my butt. In fact, I once had the nickname ButterBall Buttocks (Triple B). Not the nicest nickname, I know. But, when I was thirteen, I fell 30 feet out of a tree. My family was on holiday in Alberta and we were visiting some friend’s farm. I think my Dad was visiting with Wayne and Mum was admiring Shirley’s garden. My sister wasn’t anywhere about. I had to entertain myself and decided to climb a tree. I got up quite a ways, I think, before a branch broke and I fell to the ground. It was quite a distance because I remember thinking: Holy shit! This is gonna hurt.

In the hospital we discovered that I had crushed the two bottom vertebrae on my spine and cracked my pelvic bone. And the doctor said to me: Good thing you have extra padding there. You could have done more damage. You fell 30 feet from a tree and you got up and walked away. Basically, though, all I heard was: You have a big, cushy butt. And that was just the start of my complex. And then my Dad gave me the nickname Triple B.

That’s not the end of the story though! I was in another province, another city, and it was quite a few years later. When I was 21, I was riding a bike and I got hit by a Ford Tempo. Both the Ford Tempo and I decided to make the yellow light. I was turning left and he was coming straight through. Smack! He hit me side on. I fell onto the hood of the car and dented the hood into the engine. I rolled and smashed the windscreen onto the occupants of the car. I hit the roof of the car and did some damage there, the finally fell onto the road.

I don’t remember the actual accident. I woke up in the hospital a day later and was told what had happened. I suffered a major concussion and my bike helmet was broken into five pieces. Again, though, the doctors told me: You are really lucky you have that extra padding. You could have done more damage.

So, the short story is: I fell 30 feet out of a tree AND I totalled a Ford Tempo with my body. Both times, the doctors said I am lucky to have such a big, cushy, butt.

I now appreciate my butt. I call it my Life-Saving Butt. So when I read this Nike Ad about big butts, I laugh and love it and love my butt! “And those who scorn it, are invited to kiss it!”

Filed Under: All About My Butt, Best of My Blog
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