TABARNAC

I wore my Tabarnac t-shirt today. It’s like I’m going around swearing at the world. That’s exactly how I feel. Today.


Tabarnac!

One day at work, a colleague and I were talking and he said that he didn’t see much difference between English Canadians and Americans. We were the same culturally (pop culturally–I’m guessing). I know the differences because I live them everyday. The primary difference is though, I grew up in a Canadian state. It doesn’t make me less Canadian that I’m temporarily making a living in the States anymore than if I picked up and went to France for a few years.

Anyway. I’d bought my Tabarnac t-shirt from Montrealite.com last year. I wore this t-shirt to work the day after my colleague said he didn’t see much difference. He doesn’t know the difference, but I do. I swore at him all day long and he didn’t even know it. Somehow, in my odd way, I found that funny.

I’m wearing this t-shirt today though, because I’m just pissed at the grand state of affairs in my world. It’s a release–a silent scream so-to-speak. Somehow, I just feel better running around with a swear word on my chest.

Dadisms

The other day, I was eating dinner with my friends Katie and Sean. They were making wine in their garage and I wanted to take pictures. Originally, I thought this blog entry would be about how Californian’s make home-made wine, but then, when we sat down to dinner, Sean said: I’m so hungry, I could eat the crotch out of a rag doll!

I laughed and said: Hmm. My Dad would say: I’m so hungry I could eat the asshole out of a skunk and come back for the ears! Sean loved that saying. Then I thought that I would make a blog about my Dad’s sayings becasue they are pretty colourful.

Here are some more Dad-isms:

  • “If clues were shoes, you’d be walking on the cheeks of your ass!!” For when you do something stupid.
  • “If conceit were consumptious, you’d be consuminated.” For when you might think it appropriate to congratulate yourself a bit too much.
  • “Cuttin’ hair and building igloos.” For when somebody asks what you are doing and you think it is fairly obvious exactly what you are doing–nothing!
  • “It’s so cold out there, you could freeze the balls off a brass monkey in mating season.” For whenever it’s below -30 degrees Centigrade AND there is a wind chill factor.
  • “My back teeth are floating and my front teeth are singin’ Anchor’s Away.” For when you have to piss so badly, you can’t even see!.
  • “Up and down more times than a whore’s pair of drawers!” For when you are running up and down the stairs by the side of the house because you’re working on the deck at the back, but all the tools and wee things you need are up at the front.
  • “As ugly as the second coming of Christ.” Usually used to describe people that you don’t particularly like.
  • “As useless as tits on a boar.” Use this phrase to describe what you really think of something, some person, or some idea.
  • “Have to use a shingle to scrape my leg.” For when you are in San Francisco and you are driving with your daughter and she goes through a red light because she’s pointing out all the sites and simply doesn’t see the red light.
  • “Skunk hungry.” Derived from the quote: I’m so hungry….(above). You can use this phrase to describe how hungry you are.
  • “Skunk dinner.” Again, derived from the quote: I’m so hungry…(above). Use this phrase to describe the dinner you just ate because you were skunk hungry. Also, if it so happens that you had liver and onions for your skunk dinner, you can use this phrase to describe how you smell because you ate a skunk dinner!!!
  • “So hungry, my spine is talking to my belly button!” Again, you can use this phrase in reference to food and how hungry you are. (Hmmm….food seems to be a dominant theme with my Dad!)
  • “Well, you know what thought did!” When you try to explain something with what you thought was a pretty reasonable explanation–but is actually pretty lame. If somebody says this to you, you have to sheepishly admit: “He thought he farted and he shit himself!”.
  • “Being a dumbass isn’t covered under the warranty!” A new quote for my Dad, but I think he might use it. Derived from a recent episode where HE filled my tank on my 2005 Honda Civic with diesel fuel.
  • “Covered in {tar | paint | glue } from asshole to breakfast.” For when you are taring, painting, or glueing and you get the stuff all over yourself, the wall, the trinket, the roof–whatever project you are trying to complete.
  • Added because Jorden said it to Chantel the other day, but we all know where he got it!!: You can shit in the middle of the table and say you’re sorry…” For when you do something and say you are sorry but it doesn’t change the fact that there is a big, stinkin’ pile of crap in the middle of the table.
  • Not necessarily a saying from Dad, but from my sister Nat and along the same lines: “Who pissed in your corn flakes this morning??” You ask this question indignantly when somebody seems to be pissed off at you for now apparent reason. And you let them think about it.
  • Added 25 April 2006 “Suckin’ the hind tit!” For when you’re feeling behind the game and like you’ll never catch up. Derived from the fact that the runt of the litter always gets the last tit available–not to mention that it’s also the closest one to all the shit.
  • Added 18 April 2008 “Slower than molasses in January!” For when you’re trying to do something and it needs to be done really fast and there’s someone or something who’s holding you up. You’d say: “Come on, let’s get going. You’re slower than molasses in January. My Mum would say to me: “Come on Miss Jibbs. You’re slower than molasses running uphill in January!” Apparently, I always took my time when I was young. I geuss I had the time when I was young.

Redd, Nat, do you have anymore? I know you do. Save them in the comments and I’ll update this entry.

Trueman Moments

A Trueman moment is a phrase derived from the movie, The Trueman Show with Jim Carey. The directors would explain any random thing that happened so Trueman wouldn’t catch on to the fact he was living entertainment. A Trueman moment is a moment that you experience but there is no rhyme to reason for it. It is just a random moment that cannot be explained.

For example, you could be driving along River Road in Sonoma County out to the coast. You could pass by a fellow on the side of the road. In a normal scenario, you would simply pass by and not think (or look) twice.

However, if this person were dressed in leather pants, leather hat, and a leather vest, you might do a double-take. If this person were standing in an odd position because of the walking stick or cane or whatever he was holding between his legs, you might do a double-take.

The moment that defines this moment as a Trueman moment is the moment you realize that this person is standing on the side of the road, outfitted in leather pants, leather vest, and a leather hat. He is standing awkwardly because he is clutching some sort of stick between his legs. He has slid his leather vest off his shoulders AND he is licking his chest!

Some new expressions….

I’m inventing new expressions to add some technicolour to my everyday life. I think I will take submissions for this blog entry. That would be funny. Here are a few that immediately come to mind.

  • Korky flapper (noun): A korky flapper is actually the wee flappy bit inside the toilet tank that is connected to the flush handle that lets the water into the toilet to flush away all the nastiness.However, because it’s fun to say, you could use korky flapper as an adjective. If, for example, it had been raining for days on end, but cleared up near the end of the week. If the skies became incredibly blue and the hills became incredibly green and the air became incredibly fresh, you could exclaim: What a korky flapper of a day!Korky flapper could also be a light insult. For example, if your friend was whining about small things in life, you could say: Don’t be such a korky flapper.Or, if your friend was babbling away about nothing in particular, you could also say: You are just being a korky flapper.
  • Qwing™ (noun). The person in charge of Planet Stupid. If you were crossing the street in Healdsburg ten feet from the corner and somebody in their car shouted at you for jay-walking. And they must have been having an awfully bad day, because they didn’t just shout at you, they shouted: Hey, what planet are you from? ….Planet Stupid?And if later that day, you were just laughing at the nonsense of it all: Planet Stupid! And you were imagining that if there were actually inhabitants of Planet Stupid, it would be good to be the one in charge. If you were in charge, your title could be: Qwing, of Planet Stupid.Now, you can just use Qwing to talk about stupid people.
  • Monkey Butter™ (noun): Etymology: from an Iranian saying, “Like a monkey shoving butter up his butt”. …unfinished…See the April entry for monkey butter.

Some new words….

Here are some new words and phrases that have recently come into my vocabulary. I went snowboarding one weekend in February with my friends and neighbours: Carol and Jimmy. These new words are from Bob, Carol’s father.

  • lubo (noun): Pronounced lube-oh. To be a stupid, silly fool. For example, you might be driving along the 101 in North Santa Rosa, and you might look up into your rear view mirror. If you did look into the rear view mirror, you could notice a purple Dodge zooming up behind you really fast and another car zooming up behind you in the fast lane. The lubo is the driver of the purple Dodge who passes you on the shoulder.
  • shriv (noun): To be a stupid, silly, shriveled up old curmudgeon.
  • Hoy! Waiting! (expression): If you lived in Pittsburgh 30-odd years ago and there were a Chinese restraunt where you liked to order take out and whenever you went to pick up your take out, you would ding the desk bell and shout: “Hoy! Waiting!” As in: Hoy (the owner), I’m out here waiting!. Now, you just use it when you are waiting on people and you just want to let them know you are waiting for them.

Memorable quotes from our ski weekend:

  • Hey! Look at the dog smokin’ a stogie!!– Matt (Carol’s 13-year-old son). There was actually a dog (a black lab) coming down the stairs from one of the main buildings that had something stogie-like hanging out of his mouth. I wish I had a picture!
  • skootch your bootch (expression): Move over. Move your butt.
  • No can do Mum! I’m in short-pants mode: Matt, age 7. When asked if he thought he might be too cold with shorts on and wouldn’t he be more comfortable if he changed into long pants?

Variations on lubo (from 22 May 2005):

  • Ms. Lubo (noun): A female lubo.
  • Lubette (noun): A young, female lubo. Could also be the back-up singers in a band…
  • Lub-in-ator (noun): Pronounced lube-in-a-tor. A lubo on steroids.