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My life-saving butt

The other day, I opened a magazine and found myself staring at the words: My Butt is Big.

Not the normal words you would find in a fitness magazine. It turns out that this ad is part of the Nike real woman ad campaign. I love it. I went to nikewomen.nike.com to find out more. If you click on the words: “What story does your body tell?” (top right-hand corner of the screen, under the search field) you get little video snippets of women’s stories about their body parts. I thought: Hey, I have a story about my butt.

I used to hate my butt. In fact, I once had the nickname ButterBall Buttocks (Triple B). Not the nicest nickname, I know. But, when I was thirteen, I fell 30 feet out of a tree. My family was on holiday in Alberta and we were visiting some friend’s farm. I think my Dad was visiting with Wayne and Mum was admiring Shirley’s garden. My sister wasn’t anywhere about. I had to entertain myself and decided to climb a tree. I got up quite a ways, I think, before a branch broke and I fell to the ground. It was quite a distance because I remember thinking: Holy shit! This is gonna hurt.

In the hospital we discovered that I had crushed the two bottom vertebrae on my spine and cracked my pelvic bone. And the doctor said to me: Good thing you have extra padding there. You could have done more damage. You fell 30 feet from a tree and you got up and walked away. Basically, though, all I heard was: You have a big, cushy butt. And that was just the start of my complex. And then my Dad gave me the nickname Triple B.

That’s not the end of the story though! I was in another province, another city, and it was quite a few years later. When I was 21, I was riding a bike and I got hit by a Ford Tempo. Both the Ford Tempo and I decided to make the yellow light. I was turning left and he was coming straight through. Smack! He hit me side on. I fell onto the hood of the car and dented the hood into the engine. I rolled and smashed the windscreen onto the occupants of the car. I hit the roof of the car and did some damage there, the finally fell onto the road.

I don’t remember the actual accident. I woke up in the hospital a day later and was told what had happened. I suffered a major concussion and my bike helmet was broken into five pieces. Again, though, the doctors told me: You are really lucky you have that extra padding. You could have done more damage.

So, the short story is: I fell 30 feet out of a tree AND I totalled a Ford Tempo with my body. Both times, the doctors said I am lucky to have such a big, cushy, butt.

I now appreciate my butt. I call it my Life-Saving Butt. So when I read this Nike Ad about big butts, I laugh and love it and love my butt! “And those who scorn it, are invited to kiss it!”

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Comments (4)

  1. oh my gawd… i laffed so hard, so loud… at your last story (totalling the car). sorry! that is a testament to your writing, though, not your butt 🙂