Oh Deer!

Last week on the way to work I hit a bird on the middle of the 101 highway going from Cotati to Petaluma. Posting one story about road kill brought a slew of other stories. So, on the road kill theme, here is another story about road kill. This story is compliments of Stephen because he could remember far more details.


Dopey Dave (a friend from Ottawa) hits a deer with his brand new pretty-little-CRV in the town of Lac St Marie, about 15 min from the Mount St. Marie ski hill in Quebec. He hits the deer in the head. Its body spins around and smashes his passenger side door and window. Upon inspecting deer he discovers it is immobilized, but still alive.

The humane thing to do would have been to hit the deer with the CRV again and simply kill it–but no, Dave has other plans. He decides to leave the deer by the roadside and drive 15 minutes up to Mt. St Marie, expecting that one of the ski patrollers would have a gun that he could use to kill the deer. (Do ski patrollers carry guns as part of their standard first aid kit? Is a bullet in the head the recommended treatment for a skier with a broken leg?)

Luckily, none of the ski patrollers has a gun. One of them suggests that Dave might find a gun in the bar across the street from where Dave hit the deer. So, 40 minutes later, Dave returns to the scene of the crime. The deer is still immobilized but still alive. Dave enters the bar and asks if anyone has a gun. Nope, no guns – this is Canada. If this were the U.S., the first soccer mom to come by in her mini-van could have no doubt provided a selection of weaponry, but not in Canada.

However, the barmaid does have a nasty looking kitchen knife. Dave decides that he’ll take that and go out and slit the deer’s throat. So, Dave holds the deer by the antlers and starts sawing away at its neck. After several minutes of sawing Dave realizes that the deer’s hide is really thick and the knife isn’t doing anything.

Dave returns to the bar, looking for an alternative method to dispatch the deer. This time the barmaid gives him a hammer! Yes, a fucking hammer! Dave goes back outside and proceeds to whack the deer in the head. Repeatedly! Bonk! Bonk! Bonk! The deer has a thick skull. Dave pounds away, but the hammer just bounces back. The deer is becoming more and more panicked, but no more dead.

Back into the bar and Dave emerges with a big screwdriver. By this time the deer is trying to get to its feet and flee the scene. Being hit by a CRV was bad enough, but the looney with the tools is just too much. Also, another car has pulled over and a family is getting out to see what’s going on. Dave decides that he’s going to stab the deer in the neck with the screwdriver. The concerned father ushers his kids back to the car so that they don’t have to witness the horrific scene of Dave stabbing a deer in the neck as it tries to get to its feet. The father decides to help Dave, so he wrestles the deer to the ground while Dave stabs away.

Finally, the screwdriver stabbing takes effect (or perhaps the shock of the situation took effect) and the deer meets is maker—about 2 hours after having been hit by Dave’s pretty-little-CRV.

Dopey Dave is a ski patroller. He’s the guy with first-aid training and bucket-loads of common sense (hmmm). He will assist you should you have had an accident on a ski hill. Just hope that he doesn’t come to your assistance should you have an accident with a car.


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