What do I want?

After many conversations and shared moments, and a few evenings of phone calls where I have tried to gather up courage to ask, I finally just say: “Hey. I have a question.” My heart rate sky rockets, but I try to be casual. And I ask: “Umm…., well, what do you want?”

And in a smaller voice, I look down. I look away. I look anywhere else but at the person I’m talking to: “More specifically, I guess my question is: What do you want with me?”

Later, I thought, “WHAT WAS I THINKING?” And I reprehend myself because I’m accommodating again. I always try and find out what’s going on and figure out how I fit in.  Accommodate. Accommodate. Accommodate.

I’m kinda tired of trying to fit in. I don’t. OBVIOUSLY. And in order to take control of my life, I think a way better question would be: “What do I want?” and “What do I want with me?”

After some consideration (and a prompt from somebody else entirely) I thought I might just put it out there on my blog. What have I got to lose?

Basically though (deep breath)….here is what I came up with tonight:

I want to share my life. I want to share my body. I want to create memories, and a home–with friends, and family, and community.

I want to laugh.

I want to grow, to challenge, to discover. Intellectually. Emotionally. Physically.  I want a counterpart. A partner. I want someone who challenges me and makes me think. And helps me grow. I want to encourage. To be encouraged.

I want to become a better person.

I want to make healthy decisions: physically, emotionally, financially.

I want to travel. I want to experience new places. I want to discover new music, and culture, and textures, and flavours.

I want to take care of my parents.

I want romance. I want kissing for hours.

I want intimacy.

I want to love and to be loved.

I want babies and dogs and careers and gardens.

I want to cook dinners together.

I want to feel beautiful. And smart. And sexy (my four favourite adjectives: sassy, classy, smart, and sexy). I want to be a best friend, a girlfriend, a wife, a lover, a mother.

I want a life.

I want him (whoever he may be) to choose me (over anybody else, over a job, over his parents). I want us to create our own circle of trust and build a life together.

I don’t want to be a second choice.

I don’t want to be a side dish.

I don’t want to be filler.

I won’t settle for anything less.

I’m 37 in February. I’m too old to wait for things to happen. If I don’t take control of my life, I don’t think I’ll ever have what I want.