All About My Butt

Somebody pointed out to me the other day that I have an awful lot of stories about my butt: “You should give it its own category on your blog.” So I did. Here it is: All About My Butt. As you may have read, my butt has saved my life–you can’t help but love something that has saved your life a few times. I now love my butt. I can laugh about my butt. It’s a good and loyal butt. I have however, abused it a few times. I’ve published the story about the hand sanitizer. And today, I will publish my story about how I burned my butt.

The same year I was hit by the car (and my butt saved my life), I was using the gym at the Skyline Hotel in Ottawa for recovery (because I did total the Ford Tempo with my body). I liked to workout, then swim, then shower, then dry off and relax in the sauna. I loved those mornings I was able to do that. I felt like I was taking care of myself and I was healing.

This particular Friday morning I had just finished a great workout and swim. I had the shower to wash away the chlorine and I was going to dry off in the sauna. As I opened the door of the sauna, I dropped my hair barrette on the floor. I bent down to pick it up. The sauna was small. The door was crowded. I didn’t have much space. As I bent over, I burned my butt on the sauna stove.

I was paralysed. What to do? What do you do? I danced around a bit, but I couldn’t even sit down and collect my thoughts.

I think I ran to my locker, dressed as gingerly as I could, and ran out the door. I was so very embarrassed. What was I supposed to do? Tell somebody at the front desk: “Uh. Hi. Can you help me? I burned my butt.” How would they be able to help anyway? I was humiliated. I do remember I had to bike home though because I was in university and back then, my bike was my main mode of transportation. That was tricky. Try biking with a burned buttock, standing up, with one leg. Not the easiest feat, so good job home was just down the hill.

I was lucky my roommate at the time was a registered nurse. She was able to dress the wound and sooth my ego–NOT. She was in hysterics the whole time. I made her treat my wound for the entire week before I forgave her. The best part about this incident was I had an essay due on the following Monday. I couldn’t finish it. I was stuck on my tummy for a few days until I learned about the product Second Skin. I told my story to my professor. She smirked and reluctantly gave me another week to finish my essay. I definitely I got points for having such an original story though.

That’s it. I burned my butt. My poor butt. It’s definitely had it’s share of trauma. This year, I’m going to work on it–give it the attention it deserves. Build it up so that it’s good and strong. Then, it will be a good and strong and loyal butt and you can’t get any better than that.

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  1. Oh my gosh! Classic blog entry. LUUUVed it! Lots of people can say something or someone “saved their butt”, but you’re the only person I’ve read who has actually been saved BY their butt. I stumbled on your blog doing a Google blog search on dry sauna’s. Thanks for the laugh!

  2. Jen, I actually don’t think you have a big butt. I think you’re shaped more like me. That is, big thighs, small waist, thusly giving your butt a triangle shape.

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