What do I want?

After many conversations and shared moments, and a few evenings of phone calls where I have tried to gather up courage to ask, I finally just say: “Hey. I have a question.” My heart rate sky rockets, but I try to be casual. And I ask: “Umm…., well, what do you want?”

And in a smaller voice, I look down. I look away. I look anywhere else but at the person I’m talking to: “More specifically, I guess my question is: What do you want with me?”

Later, I thought, “WHAT WAS I THINKING?” And I reprehend myself because I’m accommodating again. I always try and find out what’s going on and figure out how I fit in.  Accommodate. Accommodate. Accommodate.

I’m kinda tired of trying to fit in. I don’t. OBVIOUSLY. And in order to take control of my life, I think a way better question would be: “What do I want?” and “What do I want with me?”

After some consideration (and a prompt from somebody else entirely) I thought I might just put it out there on my blog. What have I got to lose?

Basically though (deep breath)….here is what I came up with tonight:

I want to share my life. I want to share my body. I want to create memories, and a home–with friends, and family, and community.

I want to laugh.

I want to grow, to challenge, to discover. Intellectually. Emotionally. Physically.  I want a counterpart. A partner. I want someone who challenges me and makes me think. And helps me grow. I want to encourage. To be encouraged.

I want to become a better person.

I want to make healthy decisions: physically, emotionally, financially.

I want to travel. I want to experience new places. I want to discover new music, and culture, and textures, and flavours.

I want to take care of my parents.

I want romance. I want kissing for hours.

I want intimacy.

I want to love and to be loved.

I want babies and dogs and careers and gardens.

I want to cook dinners together.

I want to feel beautiful. And smart. And sexy (my four favourite adjectives: sassy, classy, smart, and sexy). I want to be a best friend, a girlfriend, a wife, a lover, a mother.

I want a life.

I want him (whoever he may be) to choose me (over anybody else, over a job, over his parents). I want us to create our own circle of trust and build a life together.

I don’t want to be a second choice.

I don’t want to be a side dish.

I don’t want to be filler.

I won’t settle for anything less.

I’m 37 in February. I’m too old to wait for things to happen. If I don’t take control of my life, I don’t think I’ll ever have what I want.

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1 Comment

  1. So very few people do what you’ve just done, even in private, then remain dissatisfied throughout their lives because they just accept whatever comes along. You can’t make the right choices if you don’t know where you want to be, and all the rationalization in the world doesn’t make a poor decision work for you. I’ve become very tired of hearing “I can’t, because….”. The statement that “I’m too old to wait for things to happen. If I don’t take control of my life, I don’t think I’ll ever have what I want.” is so powerful in being happy – not just “happy” but deeply-content-happy.

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